
What Is Disenfranchised Grief?
Disenfranchised grief is when you feel sad about a loss that other people don’t seem to understand or accept. For example, if you lose a close online friend, some might say, “But you never met in person, so why are you so upset?” That feeling—of not being allowed to grieve—is what makes this type of sorrow so tough. It’s real grief, but it often goes unseen or unacknowledged.
Think about how you might feel if you lost a pet you loved very much, but everyone around you shrugged and said, “It’s just an animal.” Or maybe you ended a long relationship, yet people say, “You’ll find someone new, don’t worry!”
These comments can make your grief feel invisible, even though your pain is very real. Disenfranchised grief hurts because it can leave you feeling alone and misunderstood, as if you don’t have permission to mourn.
How Disenfranchised Grief Arises
Disenfranchised grief appears when society’s “rules” say your loss doesn’t “count.” Sometimes, it’s because the relationship wasn’t recognized—like a best friend you only knew online, or a former step-parent you stayed close to after a divorce.
Other times, it’s because the loss itself seems too “small” or “unimportant” to others. Maybe you left a job that was a huge part of your identity, and people just tell you to move on.
These “rules” aren’t always spoken out loud, but they’re there. They can show up in offhand remarks like, “Oh, you’ll get over it,” or, “It wasn’t that big of a deal.” Hearing things like that might make you hide your grief or feel embarrassed about it.
When your sadness is dismissed, you might question if you’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling at all. That’s how disenfranchised grief grows—through silence, doubt, and the worry that no one else will take your pain seriously.
What We Can Do to Honor This Kind of Grief
The best way to handle disenfranchised grief is to give it the space and care it deserves. Even if other people don’t see your loss as “valid,” you can still do things to honor your feelings:
Name Your Grief: Let yourself say, “Yes, this loss matters to me. I am allowed to be sad.” Sometimes just acknowledging your sorrow can bring a bit of relief.
Find Support: Look for a friend, support group, or professional who won’t judge your loss. A death doula, for example, offers a safe space to share what’s on your mind, even if the rest of the world doesn’t quite get it.
Create a Ritual: Light a candle, write a letter, make a small memorial. This helps show that your loss is real, and it deserves respect and remembrance.
Share Your Story: If you feel comfortable, talk about what you’re going through. You might be surprised how many people say, “I’ve felt that way too!”
Remembering Deborah Finck
If you’re on TikTok, you might have followed or seen content for someone named Deborah Finck. And by now, you may know she has passed away. Even if you never met her in person, her videos might have brought you joy, comfort, or just a friendly face to see every day.
So if you’re sad, confused, or just feeling off, that’s okay. This is a valid loss, and you don’t have to explain why it matters to anyone else.
A Note for Those Affected by the LA Fires
Grief doesn’t just come from death. Many people in Los Angeles are dealing with fires that have destroyed homes or forced them to leave their neighborhoods.
And my heart goes out to them.
Losing a house, a sense of safety, or even favorite landmarks can bring the same deep sadness that any other big loss would. This is also a form of grief that can be overlooked.
If you’ve been affected by the LA fires, please know your feelings are real. You don’t have to pretend everything is okay.
You’re Not Alone
In my recent skit, I tried to show how conversations around less-recognized losses might look in the “real world.” The truth is, not every loss is neatly categorized or understood by the people around us. But you still deserve support and compassion.
If you’re feeling unseen or unsure how to process your grief, reach out. There are people, like death doulas, who can offer a listening ear and guidance so you don’t have to go through this alone.
No matter the shape or reason for your grief, it counts. It’s okay to feel what you feel, to honor those emotions, and to seek others who understand. Let’s continue talking about grief in all its forms—together.
Remember, a death doula (like me) is not a lawyer or therapist, but we do help people face all kinds of grief with open hearts and open ears. You don’t have to go through this alone, even if the rest of the world doesn’t see your loss the way you do.
Reach out, share your story, and know that your grief matters—because you matter.
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